(original post date: 04/15/2011)
It’s becoming obvious to me, that I need to explain a few things to you. I’m not trying to be bitchy or hurtful, I’m just trying to be clear, so that there are no misunderstandings.
For the past 22 years, I have loved you; and I suppose, even now, I still do. I knew that you were an alcoholic and drug user when I first married you. Although, have to admit, that I really had no idea what that meant. I had never known anyone with a real addiction problem, and I had no idea how much it would affect our lives together, nor how much pain and hurt it would bring to me and the people who I love. I guess I was young and foolish enough to believe that “our love” could overcome any problems we might face.
It’s taken me 22 years to fully understand that an addict isn’t really capable of loving anyone, or anything, as much as they love and need their addiction. From the very beginning, our marriage has been a constant parade of lies, broken promises, broken hearts, lost jobs, lost homes, legal issues, and of depending on others for our most basic needs to survive. In the midst of this chaos, I did my very best to help you, to be a good wife, to raise our children, and to create a loving home environment. I’ve done everything in my power to make our marriage and our family work. But all of that was doomed to fail, because our relationship began falling apart almost before it even began. Drugs, alcohol, and deception, became your whole world. In your world, what it meant to be a husband and father became twisted and warped. There hasn’t been any trust in our marriage for a long, LONG time. Even our children soon realised that they couldn’t trust, or rely, on you for anything. Both of our sons eventually discovered that the only way they could be part of your world (and they desperately needed a father) was to become involved in the only things that mattered to you – drugs, alcohol, and deception. Fortunately, the price of that life is too high for them, and they have opted out.
When I told you that the kids and I were leaving you, it wasn’t a choice – we had just reached a point that we could NOT live in your world ANY longer – we had simply taken all the pain, destruction, and chaos we could handle. It was a matter of survival. But then, you ran to Florida – leaving us without a car, without a home, without money, or basic needs, and to deal with the consequences of YOUR screw ups – well, we quickly discovered a whole new level of pain and destruction. Thanks, so much.
But you know what? We are finding our way through it – WITHOUT drugs, alcohol, lies, or theft. For the very first time, the kids and I feel GOOD about ourselves, we actually have HOPE for our FUTURE. We never dared to think about a future before, because for the past 22 years, we have spent every day of our lives overwhelmed with pain, and struggling just to survive the consequences, of your addictions and choices.
Lately, we’ve discovered that when we don’t spend all of our energy trying to talk sense to someone who just can’t comprehend reason, we can focus on . . . life. And life can be good. Simple, and even beautiful. We are learning to like this life that doesn’t include: probation officers, courts, police at the front door, UAs, DUIs, threatening letters from city codes officials, the stress and pain resulting from lies and addiction, or the constant worry of, “…what’s next?” Or even the daily reminder that the guy “sleeping” upstairs, is supposed to be my husband, and their father.
In fact, the only time the kids get that old, familiar look of anxiety in their eyes, is when they get a message from you saying, “…Florida is just temporary…” or “…I’ll be home soon…” or “…I’m clean – off ALL drugs, honest…” They know when they’re being lied to. They know that you haven’t really changed, because you’re still thinking and talking, the same old bullshit. They know that this house, and this life, that we are working for, is the house and the life, that their father should have provided for us; except, he was too busy chasing after his addictions, and avoiding life and all responsibility.
So . . . here’s the deal. You are a full-grown man. You’ve made it painfully clear that you can go anywhere, and do whatever, you want. (even if it means hurting those that you are supposed to love) I can’t stop you from coming back to Kansas City, but you will NOT live with us and bring your insanity back into our lives. Your youngest child is now 14 years old, and even the courts can’t force her spend time with you, if she choses not to. If you want your family to ever trust you, or be part of your life, you will have to PROVE yourself to them. You will have to either become, or remain, drug and alcohol free. You will have to clear up all your legal issues, and learn how to live within the boundaries of the law and society. You will have to learn how to take care of yourself - on your own. Most importantly, and you will have to (humbly) rebuild relationships with your wife and children – on their terms, not yours. It won’t be easy, or quick, and I’m almost certain it won’t be pain-free. Those are not the kind of changes that anyone can accomplish on their own – You WILL need outside help. DON’T even THINK about coming back to Kansas City, trying to insult me with your, ” … But honey, I’m ALL better now…“ bullshit. I’ve spent 22 years of my life trying to get you to help yourself – I’m NOT wasting anymore of my life playing games with you. So, you better think about it, long and hard, beforeyou make a decision.
If you can’t do those things. . . you might as well stay in Florida and have a nice life.
I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to protect myself and my children from the insanity of the life that we have been living for the past 22 years.
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