The Last Twelve Months

Well.  Well, well, well.  It's been almost a year since I last posted.  And it's been a year full of changes.

As I mentioned, I lost my job with EyeMasters in October.  I am still looking for work.

 Shortly after my last post, my mother's health became much more serious.  She spent the first half of 2013 in and out of the hospital.  Actually, more in, than out.  Shortly after her 75th birthday, we learned that the cancer had spread not only to her other lung, but to several other areas of her body.  She passed away May 2nd.  I miss her so much.  She was one of the few people that I could talk to when my life got crazy; and she was always there for me.

I think it was about the middle of January, Charlie moved out , and my oldest son, Nick, moved in with me; along with his wife,  and two children; Brooklyn and Malachi.

At some point in April,  Charlie returned, asking to stay  "just a day or two" - He's still here.

The end of  June, I became officially divorced. (finally)

 In August, Nick and Jenn rented a duplex just a couple of blocks away.
Unfortunately, It was about that same time that my ex-husband was released from jail; and of course, he moved in with them.  Which (I told them) was a very bad idea because, both Nick and Roy are alcoholics/drug addicts with a long history of using together.
According to "The Plan",  Roy was supposed to help with rent, food, and utilities. Two days after he moved in,  The chaos began.  Since Roy was finally free, with a place to live,  someone to take care of him,  and someone to use with, his first major decision was to quit his job and return to his old way of life.  Because, you know, being a drunk and destroying other people's lives really  IS a full time job -  if you're going to do it right.   Since then, it's pretty much been the same old bullshit.  I've done my best to stay as distant and detached as possible, but Jenn reached her breaking point about a month ago, and it's just a bad environment for my grandchildren to be in.
 I can't say that Nick has been an angel, even before his Dad was released. Shortly after Malachi was born he returned to drinking and smoking reefer on a regular basis. And of course, all that leads back to his use of harder drugs.  (although, I don't think it's been as regular as it used to be.)   I've known that for a long time his use of methadone is more recreational than therapeutic.  And I'm afraid that his long term use of it  has changed him greatly.   His highs are so full of anger and violence now.  In fact, the reason that he moved back in with me was because things just got so out of hand that their lives were falling apart.  Last summer,  he was charged with theft and he's now serving time on house arrest.  If he doesn't pull himself together soon, he's going to lose everything.
Which is why Nick and Roy just CANNOT be around each other.  Roy is never going to change; In fact, he's just getting worse.  In all honesty, I believe he's just too far gone.  I know that AA teaches that no one is beyond help.  But reality shows that the chances for recovery of a long term alcoholic/drug abuser is very low.  And looking at my husband, I can see why.  He has simply done so much damage to his mind ,that I don't think he can even grasp the concepts needed for recovery.  Unless God reaches down, and makes a very real and personal appearance in Roy's life, nothing will change.  I still pray for that, but God does as he pleases, when he pleases.  So in the meantime, I will accept the things I cannot change, and try my best to change the things that I can.

Nick loves his dad.  He refuses to give up on him.  He doesn't realise that letting go is Roy's best, and possibly only, chance for survival.  Nick (now) realises that having his Dad move in with him was a bad idea. But he can't bring himself to do what needs to be done - he really isn't strong enough.  Or, at least, he doesn't believe in his own strength right now.

Sooooo,  Well, I warned my ex that if he returned to his nasty habits of hurting people who have tried to do nothing but care for him, that I would bury his ass.
Actually, what I said to Roy was:
"For too long now, I have been so wrapped up in your sickness, that I've failed to properly protect my children.  I'm done with that.  My children are my children, no matter how old they are; and I WILL protect them from you.  You need to know that if you endanger them, I will do what EVER it takes to keep them from harm."
So last week, I made a little phone call to Roy's P.O.  and  informed him of all Roy's lies and shenanigans. Of course, Roy's P.O. can't discuss anything with me, but he said that he'd "discuss it with him."   At  Roy's last visit, his P.O. told him that he needed to find another place to live, or return to the residential center.  That needs to happen soon, one way or the other.

Halloween Past

I've spent the better part of this weekend putting the Asylum to rest.  Cemetery headstones have been stored, and what props are in need of repair (which is most of them) have been set aside in the garage for creative consideration at a later date.   As I mentioned before, I'm really thinking of reinventing the haunt - maybe something completely different. I'm  not exactly sure how or what; but it's slowly coming together in my mind.  There were a lot of "little props" that I just am not ready to part with, hence, some of them have found a new home in my bedroom.  I'm kind of liking the look, dark and creepy, yet cozy.  I've even managed to find a few subtle locations for some of my skulls in the living room.  So far, I haven't heard any objections from my youngest child. 

Heather is my little ray of sunshine.  She patiently suffers through Halloween knowing that as soon as it's over, Christmas is right around the corner.  This year, she actually wore her Christmas sweatshirt on November 1st !!   Twinkle lights, pretty paper, Santa, reindeer, and all the elves,  these are the things that make my daughter happy.  Ugh, gag me with a running chainsaw !  It's not that I don't like Christmas.  I do !  I just hate all the commercial hype and stress.  And it just can't be avoided - it's everywhere.  If it were up to me, I'd celebrate Christmas in a much more traditional, low key way.  But my daughter . . . her favorite color, is anything neon.  Her favorite music, is dance music.  I love her so much.  I just have no idea how she managed to turn out so wonderfully bright with such a dark mom.    I try to make Christmas all bright and cheerful, but it isn't easy.  Christmas light tours, gingerbread house decorating, cookie baking . . .
well, the cookies and  candy are actually pretty good.  This year, I thought I had the perfect compromise.  While Heather and I were wandering through Walmart shopping for dog food, I said:
"So . . . Heather, how would you feel about a Christmas yard display this year?"  Her eyebrows went up and her eyes got a hopeful sparkle to them and she asked,
"Like what?"   I said,
"Well . . . I was thinking . . .  Nightmare before Christmas?  I could put Jack Skellington in a sleigh, in his Sandy Claws suit, with Zero lighting the way with his red nose?  I could do Ooogie Boogie with a big string of Christmas lights, and Lock, Shock, and Barrel could be dressed like little elves? And . . ."
Her response, "No, No, NO!!!  Christmas is MY holiday and you are NOT going to spoil it with all your creepy stuff! NO !!!"
Well,  Now I know better than to mess with the Queen of Christmas.   (For the record, Jake thought it was an awesome idea.)  So , I guess I really have to put my creativity to work this year and try to find something that will please my daughter and won't make me puke.

Hmm . . . now that I've mentioned it,  I'm thinking that a little cookie baking sounds like a good way to spend a Sunday afternoon.  I'm off to the kitchen.
                                     

Halloween 2012

In another 20 minutes, my most favorite day of the year will come to a close.  I have to be honest, it's been a rough one.  By far, NOT the best.

I woke this morning to a phone call from my Doctor's office.  I did my Diabetes check a couple of weeks ago and, I guess, the results came back.  Uh, apparently, I flunked.  At least my HbA1c levels were too high.  So ... I get to go back on my Metformin.  I don't object to taking Metformin, it's just that I know, from past experience, that my Victoza interacts with it and results in me not being able to keep much down.  Which results in me not eating much, which results in me losing weight.  And of course that's a good thing, it just takes all the fun out of eating.  *BIG SIGH*  That news kind of bummed me out, so I went back to bed.

By the time I woke, the second time, it was almost 11AM.  I had a huge to do list and most of my day had gotten away from me!  Like I said in my last post,  This year's display is sort of minimal but I did have to make sure that I got some paper work filed for unemployment as well as quite a bit of computer work, and phone calls to make. I did a quick shower and dress and got busy.  It turned out to be a lot more frustrating and time consuming than I had planned.  Jake was home (sick again) and everytime that I tried to make a call, I had to track down the phone.  And no sooner than I would hang up, the phone would ring - for Jake.  I finally gave up and was about to gather my paperwork together and drive to the office, when Heather called wanting to know if I had forgotten to pick her up from school!  I looked at the clock and realised that it was quarter after three!  Drop everything,  go pick up Heather and Megan; then, rush like a mad woman to get everything done before the office closes.  By the time I got home, Nick, Jenn,Brooklyn, and baby Malachi had arrived.  I was looking forward to seeing them but, I still had to go get Halloween candy and food to feed . . .10-12 people. 

Like I said, Halloween is a big day at my house (even when the display is "not so great," it's usually more elaborate than most people.)  So All my kids, grand kids, and kids friends, eventually show up, and the door bell never stops ringing.  And the dogs?  Poor babies, they get so confused.  They can't figure out why people come to the door, get candy, and just . . . leave.  When someone shows up and actually comes inside and stays for a while, they're SO happy.  Anyhow, it's total chaos between 6:30 and 9:30PM.  And at 4:30PM, I hadn't even started shopping for food and candy; and since I'm not working, I only had a $20.00 budget to get it all done!

Normally, I've had months to make sure that all the little details are taken care of way in advance; but with everything that happened this past year, especially these past few weeks, I wasn't the least bit ready.  And for me, Not being prepared for something that has become a family tradition ( a family tradition that I created) is just . . . unthinkable.  Which results in HUGE levels of stress.

But, it's over now.  Time to de-compress.  I am . . . EXHAUSTED. 

I could probably even sleep - if it weren't for that one little thought that keeps running through my mind :
"Only 364 more days to plan for next Halloween."

And next Halloween,  WILL be the best EVER !

Depression anyone?

It must be Monday.  That would explain a lot, but I think it's more than just the typical Monday madness and crap.  Oh, it must be the first day of this piece of shit that I call my life.  Isn't that just magical?    I'm not trying to be excessively morbid and morose; it just comes naturally lately.  
Actually, I think that I might be coming down with something - the flu maybe?  Probably not.  More likely, I'm coming down with a serious case of reality.   It sucks. 

I went to go see the Doctor today . . . "The Urologist."   It looks like I still have about 9 or 10 kidney stones, (little ones)  lined up all nice and neat, waiting to be passed.  No problemo.  I'll get right on that.

FML.  Isn't my life shitty enough right now, without randomly having to pass kidney stones? 

Thing is, this is supposed to be my "happy" time of year.  You know, Halloween and all that dark, creepy shit?  I was supposed to have the most spectacular yard display ever, and an absolutely to-die-for Halloween party.  Pfffftt !  Not gonna happen.  In fact, this is the lamest yard display to date.  All I have out is the gravestones and a couple of props.  (Jack and Haunter)  All of my old props were pretty much crumbling after almost two years in storage.  And after the past year of playing "single, working mom," I didn't have any time to create anything new.   However, I did manage to end up unemployed and broke !  So . . . no party either.  I'm seriously thinking about pulling the plug this year.  Just drag all the yard stuff back inside the garage, turning out the porch light on Wednesday, and getting really drunk instead.  Unfortunately, I can't afford booze.  (besides, I have an example to set for my children.) 

Actually, I think I'll just go to bed.  I can't seem to get enough sleep today.  Good night.

Quiet Friday

Well, things around here have been pretty quiet today.  I got both kids off to school this morning.  It's been forever since I've had the house, and an actual day, to myself !   Since I am no longer among the "gainfully employed," I spent most of the day on the Internet, job searching.  Actually, my previous job wasn't what I would consider "gainful,"  at least not in terms of money.  However, it was helpful in getting me back into the field of optics, which is the type of work that I did for 13 years before I got married.

 I'm not sure that I still have the same passion for optical that I used to have, but I think it's my best shot at making a decent wage.  I never really planned on my most recent job being a keeper,  I always felt that it would be more of a transitional stepping stone;  A chance to learn about new products, get a handle on working with insurance, and computers, and all of the new things that had happened in optics while I was away, raising my kids. I started in March, and by July, it became obvious that the company that I had chosen to work for had serious management issues, and I began thinking about looking for another job.  I should have acted then, but things in my personal life took a turn for the worse, and you know,  I got distracted. 

Aside from trying to figure out how to deal with all the day to day issues of life on my own;  My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and she spent the next couple of months in and out of the hospital. Then, on October 5th,  I was hospitalized for a 13mm kidney stone that had blocked my left kidney and resulted in a raging infection.  When I returned to work, a couple of weeks ago, I was discharged for excessive absences.  Since I was in the hospital for two days, followed by a Lithotripsy procedure, during my absences, I sort of think that getting fired is total bullshit.  (and since I can provide documentation, I tend to think that unemployment might feel the same way.)  Anyway, it still leaves me looking for a job during the one time of the year when optical sales tend to be down.  Kind of sucks, but I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. 

When something this screwed up happens, I want to believe that it's God telling me that I need to move forward,  because He has other plans for me.  I'm completely open to that.  I just hate the waiting, and trying to figure out what direction that God wants me to move in.  At this point, I'd be okay with another optical job,  but I have to have a livable wage, and I'm completely done with working retail hours.  Of course. . . there is still that little voice inside me that says: I really want to do something more creative; a job using my art skills is something that I could be passionate about.  And I so desperately want to feel passionate about something.  But you know, that's not really the way life works - it should be - but it isn't.

Depression

(original post date: 10/02/2012)

Not sure that I’m up for this.  Seems like everything around me is changing, and I’m not adapting quickly enough.  Normally, I’m excited by change; but this, is just too much, too fast.  My world has been turned upside down over the past 19 months and all of my usual coping skills seem completely useless.

For 23 years I was a wife and stay at home mother.  Granted, I was married to an alcoholic, drug addicted man who couldn’t hold down a job, nor maintain any kind of relationship with anyone.  The twistedness and distortions that exist inside a drug and alcohol damaged mind are beyond description or understanding; and I truly tried.  I know that deep down, in his spirit, he’s a kind, gentle, and loving man, but it’s all been burried so deeply beneath years of destructive abuse; I don’t think he has the strength to search for it.  It’s sad.

For years (and years) I held out hope.  When everyone around me advised me to “cut my losses”  I said “No, God will let me know when it’s time to give up.”   I just figured that when that time finally came, I’d be more prepared.  I figured that compared to the dysfunctional world that I’d been living in, real life would be a peice of cake.  I didn’t count on the loneliness and disorientation; or the pain and fear.  And I certainly never factored in the horrible sense of total abandonment

An open letter to my husband

(original post date: 04/15/2011)

 

It’s becoming obvious to me, that I need to explain a few things to you. I’m not trying to be bitchy or hurtful, I’m just trying to be clear, so that there are no misunderstandings.

For the past 22 years, I have loved you; and I suppose, even now, I still do. I knew that you were an alcoholic and drug user when I first married you. Although, have to admit, that I really had no idea what that meant. I had never known anyone with a real addiction problem, and I had no idea how much it would affect our lives together, nor how much pain and hurt it would bring to me and the people who I love. I guess I was young and foolish enough to believe that “our love” could overcome any problems we might face.

It’s taken me 22 years to fully understand that an addict isn’t really capable of loving anyone, or anything, as much as they love and need their addiction. From the very beginning, our marriage has been a constant parade of lies, broken promises, broken hearts, lost jobs, lost homes, legal issues, and of depending on others for our most basic needs to survive. In the midst of this chaos, I did my very best to help you, to be a good wife, to raise our children, and to create a loving home environment. I’ve done everything in my power to make our marriage and our family work. But all of that was doomed to fail, because our relationship began falling apart almost before it even began. Drugs, alcohol, and deception, became your whole world. In your world, what it meant to be a husband and father became twisted and warped. There hasn’t been any trust in our marriage for a long, LONG time. Even our children soon realised that they couldn’t trust, or rely, on you for anything. Both of our sons eventually discovered that the only way they could be part of your world (and they desperately needed a father) was to become involved in the only things that mattered to you – drugs, alcohol, and deception. Fortunately, the price of that life is too high for them, and they have opted out.

When I told you that the kids and I were leaving you, it wasn’t a choice – we had just reached a point that we could NOT live in your world ANY longer – we had simply taken all the pain, destruction, and chaos we could handle. It was a matter of survival.  But then, you ran to Florida – leaving us without a car, without a home, without money, or basic needs, and to deal with the consequences of YOUR screw ups – well, we quickly discovered a whole new level of pain and destruction. Thanks, so much.

But you know what? We are finding our way through it – WITHOUT drugs, alcohol, lies, or theft. For the very first time, the kids and I feel GOOD about ourselves, we actually have HOPE for our FUTURE. We never dared to think about a future before, because for the past 22 years, we have spent every day of our lives overwhelmed with pain, and struggling just to survive the consequences, of your addictions and choices.

Lately, we’ve discovered that when we don’t spend all of our energy trying to talk sense to someone who just can’t comprehend reason, we can focus on . . . life. And life can be good. Simple, and even beautiful. We are learning to like this life that doesn’t include: probation officers, courts, police at the front door, UAs, DUIs, threatening letters from city codes officials, the stress and pain resulting from lies and addiction, or the constant worry of, “…what’s next?” Or even the daily reminder that the guy “sleeping” upstairs, is supposed to be my husband, and their father.

In fact, the only time the kids get that old, familiar look of anxiety in their eyes, is when they get a message from you saying, “…Florida is just temporary…” or “…I’ll be home soon…” or “…I’m clean – off ALL drugs, honest…” They know when they’re being lied to. They know that you haven’t really changed, because you’re still thinking and talking, the same old bullshit. They know that this house, and this life, that we are working for, is the house and the life, that their father should have provided for us; except, he was too busy chasing after his addictions, and avoiding life and all responsibility.

So . . . here’s the deal. You are a full-grown man. You’ve made it painfully clear that you can go anywhere, and do whatever, you want. (even if it means hurting those that you are supposed to love) I can’t stop you from coming back to Kansas City, but you will NOT live with us and bring your insanity back into our lives. Your youngest child is now 14 years old, and even the courts can’t force her spend time with you, if she choses not to. If you want your family to ever trust you, or be part of your life, you will have to PROVE yourself to them. You will have to either become, or remain, drug and alcohol free. You will have to clear up all your legal issues, and learn how to live within the boundaries of the law and society.  You will have to learn how to take care of yourself - on your own. Most importantly,  and you will have to (humbly) rebuild relationships with your wife and children – on their terms, not yours.  It won’t be easy, or quick, and I’m  almost certain it won’t be pain-free.  Those are not the kind of changes that anyone can accomplish on their own – You WILL need outside help.  DON’T  even THINK about coming back to Kansas City, trying to insult me with your,  ” … But honey, I’m ALL better now…“  bullshit.   I’ve spent 22 years of my life trying to get you to help yourself – I’m NOT wasting anymore of my life playing games with you.  So, you better think about it, long and hard, beforeyou make a decision.

 If you can’t do those things. . . you might as well stay in Florida and have a nice life.

I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to protect myself and my children from the insanity of the life that we have been living for the past 22 years.